When I was younger, I was pretty convinced that I would never find someone to be with, because I thought I was hideous and broken. As it turns out, I did, and I’m not! I suppose I haven’t written very much about what it’s like to be a married crossdresser, other than how awesome it is to have a super-supportive wife, but one thing that I think doesn’t necessarily get heard much of is how the partner of crossdressers think of it, how they deal with it, and what their hopes and fears are.
A little while ago, I asked some of you if you had any questions for my wife – In all her own words (I have edited literally nothing), here are her answers :)
What do you think of Liz’s dressing?
I think Liz has a cute behind, great legs and even greater style! I think he has really, really evolved wonderfully over the years style wise. He really pays attention, and has learned what looks good on his body, what makeup works for him, etc. And I seriously love the wigs, they are so much fun.
When did you find out about it?
I knew long before we ever got together. We were friends over the internet for four years before we met in person. I knew pretty much right from the start. I was in the circle of people that he trusted with that (at the time) secret part of his life. So there was never a “big reveal” for us. I always knew. :) But even if I hadn’t, I don’t think he would have waited long to tell me once we started dating. He’s simply not a secretive or deceptive person.
Do you shop together? Suggest styles for Liz?
We don’t really shop together simply because Liz does not enjoy shopping in stores. hahaha He is more of an internet shopper. We do sit and look at things online together, and even though the last thing I’ll ever be accused of being is fashionable, he still asks my opinion, and that always makes me feel good. :) I do suggest things sometimes, when I see something I think is cute or that I think he’d like… I definitely point it out. I have been known to buy things while out shopping, too. I am obsessed for some reason with trying to buy cute panties for him… but I always fail. They never fit right when I pick them out!
Do you wear the same size as Liz?
We do not wear the same size, really. I’m more of a chub, and although a lot of his things WILL fit me, they are snug, and I don’t really do snug. I’m a jeans, converse and t-shirt/hoodie sort of gal. As for shoes, his feet are two sizes bigger than mine. And I would break my neck trying to walk in heels. :x
Do you mind if she borrows your clothes/shoes?
I would not mind at all, though honestly Liz is a much classier dresser than I am. :) I do have one salmon colored sweater with an adorable hedgehog on the front that he likes, and is welcome to borrow, but I’m pretty sure it’d be too big. *lol*
Does Liz have her own clothing budget? Do you?
Indeed! He has a monthly budget and is usually very good about sticking to it. ;) I have a budget as well but mine is usually spent on other things. (Books, dvds, whatever) I am a total skinflint about spending money on clothes for myself. Books, I need more books! And more Olaf toys! (I’m totally ridiculous with my Frozen love.)
Do you share a closet?
We did until recently. We lived in a one bedroom apartment with a decently big walk in closet. We shared that. We bought our first home this past November… and there are two small closets. So I got one closet and he got one. His boy clothes are in the closet and then Liz has her own swanky gigantic wardrobe from IKEA, which kicks ass! I love it. I like to open it up and admire all the pretty dresses. :D I actually organized them. After we assembled the wardrobe(s), I organized all of his clothes into it. It was fun. :) He totally has more clothes than me, even his every day boy wardrobe totally outnumbers mine. He has an impressive t-shirt collection, and unlike my panty failure, I totally rock at picking out awesome t-shirts for my hubbin. ;D Side note: More than once I offered to share my side of our previous walk-in closet with him, because my clothes didn’t take up my whole side, but he always refused. He would say, “NO!” and that was that. haha He refused to hog part of my half, which I thought was sweet… and a little silly, since I didn’t need it all. But mostly sweet. :)
SEE THESE CLOSETS? ALL MINE!!
What are the hardest moments for you to deal with as the wife of a crossdresser?
One small thing I really struggle with is the he/she thing. I have a very hard time referring to Liz as “she.” No matter what he’s wearing, he’s my husband. I simply can not think in terms of “she” when talking about my husband. I struggle with it because I don’t want to seem disrespectful if I say “he” (about my husband or anyone else who crossdresses). I do understand (and respect) the mentality behind it … we’ve had many discussions about it. Even now, sitting here answering these questions, I’m stressed that anyone reading will think I’m a jerk for saying “he” instead of “she.” But I think mostly that’s probably a trivial issue, and probably a bigger deal in my head than it actually is. Something that truly is difficult for me to deal with is every time he goes out dressed. I worry that someone will try to hurt him. I worry about violence against him. I worry that our neighbors might give him grief. I worry even just that someone will make negative comments. I think that he’s made ENORMOUS strides and is so much more confident than he was before he came out in the open to everyone, but deep down he has a very sensitive heart and soul, and I know that that kind of hurtful crap would cut deep, and he’d hold onto it for awhile. So yeah… I worry about people hurting him, whether physically or emotionally.
Is there a downside for you with Liz’s dressing?
Nothing serious or bad, no. The only thing really is the total body shave… when it grows back, obviously he’s prickly all over, and that can be pretty irritating on my skin when we’re getting frisky. hahaha But otherwise, no. The dressing is part of who he is, and I wouldn’t change him. I love him just the same in jeans and t-shirts as I do in skirts and heels. It *is* a little strange to hug him when he’s dressed, because I’m not used to boobs being in the way (other than my own, I guess)!
Are there any upsides?
The upside isn’t really for me so much as it is for him and the people who reach out to him. It is seriously heartwarming when he gets emails from fellow crossdressers thanking him for his blog posts. To know that he is helping someone who may still be in the closet… telling them IT IS OKAY TO BE WHO YOU ARE… and not only is it okay, it rocks! Or just helping someone figure out their makeup or clothes… it really makes me proud of him. And he always responds. He doesn’t just take the gratitude or compliments and strut around. He takes the time to respond and communicate. It is the most comforting thing to think you’re alone and then suddenly realize you aren’t. He’s a good person. He cares about people. But that’s really an upside to being married to him. Not just about his crossdressing.
Do you consider yourself to be an advocate/booster for Liz’s lifestyle?
I hope so. I mean, I think that I am, yes. I don’t stand on a soapbox shouting about it to anyone who will listen… but I definitely am positive about it whenever anyone asks me. I’ve had questions (sometimes snarky) thrown at me, wanting to know why my husband is dressed like a woman. So I tell them why. Someone close to me used to assume that he was just being funny, and would comment about how it just cracked them up. I told them he’s not doing it to be funny. This is part of who he is. I explained it. Sometimes people are being jerks… and sometimes they just truly don’t understand. I have no problem standing up for him to the jerks, and taking time to talk about it to anyone who has questions. I once posted a picture of him shampooing our carpet. He was wearing a skirt and dangly earrings in it. (not dressed up, just his comfy lounge clothes) One of my male facebook friends messaged me and sarcastically asked, “Is he vacuuming in a dress and earrings? o.O” And I replied simply, “No, silly, that’s a skirt!” And didn’t bother to elaborate. I do not have time for macho bullshit trying to knock my husband down. As if wearing a skirt somehow makes him less. Screw that, and screw it hard!
What has been the key to making this relationship work?
We are perfectly suited. He’s my best friend, and vice versa. From the minute we first met we felt completely comfortable and safe around each other, rare for both of us. (So incredibly rare for me. There are maybe three people on the entire planet I’m honestly truly comfortable around.) We are so lucky we both found that one person we can truly be ourselves with. We are both weird, silly people, and that is awesome. We love our weird and silly. I can’t imagine either of us being able to live so happily with anyone else. Or anyone else being able to handle our level of silly weirdness. ;D This is not to say we haven’t had hard times… we’ve had arguments and disagreements. But we always talk it out (we never yell or curse at each other, ever) and we are both able to take those talks to heart and really grow from them. At the end of the day we both genuinely want each other to be happy. In our relationship and in every other part of our lives, too.
What advice would you give to crossdressers in their own relationships?
Oh boy, I don’t really know how to answer this one if I’m honest. I mean, every person is different. Every relationship is different. It’s hard to give general advice, especially to people I don’t know and whose relationships I know nothing about. I would just tell any person (crossdresser or otherwise) to respect each other… be honest and open… be kind. Really, that’s just good advice for humanity in general, right? :)
How has Liz changed from when she was in the closet about it to when she was open about it?
So much more confidence. So much less self loathing. I’m sure you know what a huge weight that was. (Carrying any kind of secret that is huge in your life would weigh any person down.) And now he is just so much more free. And I think has finally reached a point where he knows he’s not a freak, he’s not a bad person, that there is nothing broken or wrong inside of him. I think coming out really allowed him to become the fully realized person he was keeping locked up. He’s so brave. I admire him a lot. He gets out there and does things that scare him, until they don’t scare him anymore. Totally badass. :)
What’s your biggest fear about Liz?
My biggest concern, aside from what I already mentioned about violence against him… if that if we ever have a kid… what will happen when we reach the point that our child starts school, starts interacting with other kids without our supervision, etc. That’s a long time off (we don’t have kids yet) but I worry about it A LOT. In no way do I want it to be hidden (his crossdressing) but also in no way do I want our kid getting beat up or made fun of when they tell other kids about how daddy dresses like a girl. Because kids can be cruel, and kids can be dumb. I do really worry about this a lot. And I absolutely refuse to raise a child to believe that they have to hide any part of who they are. I refuse to impose gender stereotypes. If my son wants to wear a tutu and play with dolls, then he will damn well wear a tutu and play with dolls. And if my daughter wants to wear Batman underoos and play with Hot Wheels, then she will damn well wear Batman underoos and play with Hot Wheels. So, we will cross that bridge when we get to it. And hopefully we will cross it gracefully.
Well, that’s that! If you have any more questions for her, email them to liz@myweekendshoes.com and I’ll see if she wants to write more :D
xx
What a refreshing article. And proof there are supportive wives out there. Well done Liz’s wife. However, I think the supportive, encouraging wife is as rare as hen’s teeth. With better school education and enlightened attitudes, things are getting better.
In my experience the most any crossdresser [here in Australia we call ourselves transgendered] could usually hope for is an accepting wife, but even these are rare. The accepting wife will not buy their partner panties or wig, but will not object when they are bought, knowing it makes their partner happy. Some wives would no doubt think of it as a hobby much like having a train set or a Mustang, but a great deal less expensive.
The vast majority of wives will never know their partner’s interest. Some wives will find out by accident and that’s unfortunately sometimes the end of the marriage. So the crossdresser is usually left sans children and house, and sometimes their own parents. The funny thing is that these men have picked these women and love them, and if these woman would only accept and [dare I say it] encourage their partner, they would have their loving man for LIFE.
It’s hard. I can easily understand why someone women leave – they feel like they’ve been lied to or tricked. A huge part of their partner’s life has been kept secret from them for years, and it forces you to re-evaluate everything. And from the crossdresser’s side, we’ve been raised in a society where for the most part what we do has been seen as freakish and disgusting and immoral, and so hiding it seems like the only option.
The best we can do is be honest with ourselves and others, so that in time, maybe people won’t see this as immoral or disgusting, and people won’t have to hide who they are :)
Thanks for sharing I just came out to my wife and she is very understanding and has even bought me some bras panties pantyhose dresses and makeup shes really understanding
Thank you for your candor and for adding such fine commentary to the concept of the relationships that exist between a loving heterosexual CD and the woman that loves him. What comes through loud and clear is the love and affection that you have for each other. As much as Liz helps others through her writing the fact is that there are many more CDs writing about being CDs than there are loving wives writing about their life with a CD husband.
Pat
It wouldn’t surprise me to know that there are lots of wives out there who know and are supportive of their partner’s dressing, but just haven’t written about it. I would *LOVE* to see more of that – to hear the dynamics of other relationships
We can hope :D
Thanks for reading!!
“Refreshing” is exactly the word I would use to describe your article as well. My BF just told me last night that he has a transvestic fetishism and I tried all day to find articles and information for myself about how to better support him. It has been a frustrating day reading about psychiatric disorders and condemnation by ex wives who have left their husbands bc of their fetish.
While it is my understanding that being a CD is not the same as a transvestic fetish, much of what you have written about your relationship with Liz is so comforting and calming to my senses after reading all negatives today. I love my partner and I just want to know how to become more comfortable with his fetish so that he can feel safe and loved. Do you have any advice for me as to how to proceed so that we can continue our healthy relationship and I will feel comfortable accommodating and hopefully perhaps even enjoying his fetish?
From my wife:
What a lovely post. I will ask my wife if she’d like to read it too. i think she will have a lot of thoughts and feelings in common with your wife. Many thanks to you both for sharing!
Thank you for reading it!! Would love to know your wife’s reaction! :)
You really hit the nail on he head, “respect each other, be honest and open, be kind”. All easier said than done. All relationships are hard, and crossdressing adds complications.
1. The crossdresser not being honest, even with self. Building a solid relationship would seem almost impossible with a secret like this, and when discovered the secret aspect is often more damaging than the behavior.
2. The SO not being open. This may be due to bigoted religious or family views, or fear of what others think.
3. The SO seeing the crossdressed persona as competition. It is much more productive to veiw as friend and confederate in keeping partner happy. Or to look past the clothes, to see the person you love.
4. The crossdresser not being sensitive to how difficult this can be for SO. Sensitivity, empathy, and nurturing are he really beautiful parts of feminine, so let yourself be beautiful (maybe I am being sexist, but this is probably not as much a problem with a GG crossdresser).
Working through these complications can build a stronger relationship, as I seems o have or you.
:) I *absolutely* agree – being honest and open with yourself is the key to being open and honest with others, and overall being a happier person
Thanks for reading!!
Liz,
I stumbled upon your website while looking
For ways to tell my wife about my cross dressing. First off the pictures look great,
I should hope that when I go out I should look
1/2 that good. Second, thanks so much to you and your wife for sharing your views and advice, it’s nice to see that some SO’s are supportive and me and my wife love each other so I’m sure we’ll work something out.
That’s it, just wanted to thank you both and although I don’t live in the west coast looks like you have a great thing going between work and home it’s all good!
Just discovered this site, and this article. Great, both! There is so much insight and wisdom in Liz’ wife’s answers here, and reading them makes it seem so obvious that supportive is the only natural choice.
Myself, I too am blessed with a wise wife, who is accepting and to some extent supportive, but also afraid of the consequences both in the form of reactions from the outside world and whether she will ultimately lose the manly hubby side for good.
But I know people with fully non-accepting wifes and I wish they would read articles like this to understand what they are missing.
Hey Liz ,
Thanx for the article ! My wife is quite supportive of my cross dressing . I admit that I really only cross dress on special occasions these days . Nonetheless on those occasions she and I both get all dolled up and have fun . After a night on the town we go home and have at
it : D
my husband of 16yrs has just come out as crossdresser, Unfortunately he did not have it in him to speak to me direct and went thro my daughter and close friend b4 I found out. My feelings are of betrayal and disgust, cannot imagine a hairy man being dressed as a woman, stating it makes him feel relaxed, brings out his feminine side. Feeling hard to come to terms with this, and feel betrayed to be intimate with him now as feel it is not me he is with but his feminine person. TBH feel physically sick thinking about it. States he no way is gay or bisexual and wants our marriage to survive, but finding this very difficult to deal with. I love him but cannot at this time come to terms with it.
It can be hard finding out something like this after so long, but don’t forget, he’s been this way for a long time, and he’s still the man you fell in love with. He’s not hurting anyone, and really, they’re just clothes. You also don’t have to come to terms with it at all – you can ask to never see it or be exposed to it, but you’ll probably both be better off if he has some time to indulge in it every so often, e.g. if you’re away for a few hours on a weekend, or out visiting family by yourself.
Just remember, he’s the person you fell in love with, and nothing has really changed. I hope this helps!
your husband loves you more than you know and he expossed his inner most secretive desires to you if anything you should view it as a blessing, because not many men love their wifes enough to trust them with this secret. hiim telling you this means he loves you more than he loves him self. truth be told i crossdress a little and my wife knows but if she asked me to stop and throw everything away and never to mention it again i would in a freakin heart beat without hesitation because i love her move than anything, and in return if i asked her to stop doing something she should/would. remember your vows let nothing seperate you and your husband till death do yall part. i believe that cheating/adultury are the only true grounds for divorce. remember baby steps and LOVE CAN TAKE A LITTLE MORE.
Hello first off great read . I to am a crossdressers wife and have the same feelings about he/she thing . My self and my husband had been together for years before he told me about his other side .
I must admit I freaked out to point of ending my life . Which now seems so long ago . We have come so far together we shop I’ve helped him with make up and clothes .i love my husband so much he really is my best friend too .
The one thing I would like to say is never stop talking to each other because it really is so important.
It’s always a pleasure to see that when there’s comprehension in a relation it do sort of a top one :-) long live to you.
hugs and kisses
I was so happy when I found this because sometimes I feel like I’m alone in this, and it’s almost like I’ve written it myself with how similarly I feel about everything.
Thank you so much for this. It was wonderful.
Love reading this
I’m a CD who’s wife does not approve
My boyfriend of almost 3 years is a CD but he doesn’t know that I know. I don’t know how to raise it with him either. Having read this blog I already feel a lot better about his love for me and I know that he’s not doing this to hurt me. I just have a question – there are many websites where CD’s can meet…what is the intention if not to start a relationship?
Hi! Honestly, I don’t know – For some people, I think a lot of it is just to find someone who understands. It can be very lonely to deal with something like this, especially considering that a lot of people still regard as as oddities, curiosities, or freaks. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything untoward. The best advice I can give is for you to ask him what his intentions are! <3
Let him know you’re comfortable with him. Start sharing clothes maybe (a girly jumper to start with, perhaps), there are lots of little ways to let him know it’s ok. You could be in for a lot of fun, but be prepared he might get a bit defensive about his masculinity, it’s tough being a man!
My wife knew of my crossdressing when we were married. She does not encourage me, or participate in any way. I keep my legs and body smooth shaven, and would so enjoy me wife encouraging, even ordering me to wear sheer nylons on a regular basis. She would even refer to me as her feminine, “husband bitch “,. which would be a total turn-on, as it would show a dominant side to he nature. Teasing me about my crossdressing would also reveal a dominant streak. I’ve always had these feelings and other fantasies since we met, but I never told her, as I didn’t think she could be open-minded or accepting enough to include them in our relationship and marriage. Maybe too little; too late.
Love your outfits Liz. I truly wish my wife could be so understanding and accepting. I keep my legs and body smooth shaven; and how it would be so much fun if my wife encouraged; even ordered me to wear sheer nylons on a regular basis. She just isn’t, or couldn’t be the dominant or bitchy type. If she only knew my desires and fantasies!
Wow, I love her candour. I totally relate to the he/she thing. I see myself as a he whatever I am wearing, I don’t change my name, but being a Jo, that’s easy!
We are all different, and I wish I could share this with my wife, but I definitely can’t.
I am going to read more of your wonderful articles, thank you for sharing. Xxx
I stumbled across your article. My husband recently told me about his cross dressing. I’d had my suspicions. So I wasn’t actually surprised as much a thrilled he finally felt able to tell me. To be open and honest with me. It’s been wonderful seeing him so happy. Seeing him enjoy being free to just be himself.
Liz’s Wife- I understand about the he/she thing. Literally, you’ve got me in tears. I love him dearly. I don’t want to see him hurt. And I’ll be honest, I am still trying to figure out what it all means for us. He will always be a He to me. He will always be the man of my dreams. I don’t want to loose that. I just want to see him be himself and happy.
Thank you so much for this I will show this to my wife, You and your husband are so lucky to have each other, my wife has been fantastic with her support but still finding it very hard to dell with. I am hoping that one day she will be able to just accept that I am still the same person that she has married
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The best advice i can give wives is after the shock
1 ask him his orientation so that you can alleviate your fears that hes gay or bisex or seeking gender change
(Of course if he is you need to know, most of us are not)
2 let him tell you his story -so you can understand why he does it
3 read good resources-like this one
Get as much info as possible
4 discuss your level of tolerance ie what and when he can wear / who can know
5 remember its just clothes if he’s heterosexual/ if hes not discuss that too and remember its still just clothes and hes the one you fell in love with (nothing is different about him )
6 if you can get too a place where you accept you ll have one happy loyal man who will take your acceptance as unconditional love
That was a nice reply.
Jeff
I’m glad I read this I came out to my wife a few months ago she has been so understanding she has even bought me some dresses and things
Thank You For Your WIFE Perspective I Wish There Were MORE PEOPLE Like Your Wife And LIZ. Petra Likes Liz OUTFITS in Those BEAUTIFUL PICTURE. Love Petra.
Nice article!
dressing when i was ten wereing sisters clothes still dressing at fifly love to be able to do makeup hope to meet mrs wright good luck all
❤
You are a peach!
Thank you for your site and the piece from your wife’s perspective. We have been married 38 years and I never knew about his dressing. Though he has said he suppressed it for years while the children were little. I found out by accident this July and have been in turmoil. I haven’t known where to turn or find advice. Looking on the internet has just freaked me but your wife’s answers have helped. My husband is very happy now I know and accept, but doesn’t want children,family ,friends in fact any one to know . I do know he belongs to a support group, meanwhile I have no one.
I loved reading your post. It’s really encouraging to know the beautiful relationship you and your wife have. Keep up the good work.
I wish I knew the secret to finding a woman who accepts my cross dressing. I have been fooled by a number of women in the past which led to my public embarrassment in front of family & friends. My ex wife was the worst, I told her of my dressing as a woman when we first started dating, she said it was not a problem & would even help me with picking out outfits & my makeup. Our third year of marriage, she told me we were going to a Halloween party, all the guys had to go as girls & the girls go as guys. She said she wanted to blow everyone away with how she can make me look like a real woman. She took me to the salon she goes to & had them give me the works, my body completely waxed, a pedicure & manicure, my ears were pierced, my eyebrows were waxed into pencil thin lines with a high, feminine arch in them & the worst thing she had done, which I didn’t know anything about until I looked in a mirror, was she had my shoulder length hair, cut, colored & styled into a women’s look. My wife had me wear a black, velvet, mini dress with shiny pantyhose & black, platform heels, that showed off my bright red toenails, I had black. oversized, hoop earrings in my freshly pierced ears & my now blond hair, filled with curls. She sprayed me with perfume & gave me a black, clutch to carry. We got to the party about 9:00p.m., everyone was in the finished basement, we walked down the stairs & as I hit the bottom step, all I heard was laughter & seen camera flashes. Turns out there was no costume party, my wife had told everyone she worked with what a sissy I was & how I wanted to be a girl. My sister was there along with my parents & all of my closest friends, my wife then announced that she did not want to be married to another woman so she was going to divorce me, she said I should have no problem finding a nice boyfriend, this was all said in front of everyone I knew.
So my exwife and I used to go out all the time while dressed. We actually had a room in our house that we told our friends was a college students that we rented our room to. Yea, I had my own room. We would speak of my fem self in third person often. Wife “I think Domannique and I are going to hangout at after work today. I am going to meet her in DC at the waterfront at 6:30.” Me, “OK. i will be chilling at home for the night.” That was my que. It was awesome.
After our divorce I kinda mentioned it to a few people that I dated and they were not into that. My current wife was curious and I dressed for her twice but she was frightened by my passability and likeness of a genetic female. At the time the world only saw crossdressers as gay men. She was concerned of my sexuality. I understood. I stopped for a while but learned that this was a part of me and not just a passing fad. I mentioned it to her again and she said she would prefer that I didn’t. So I agreed but since I feel I cannot stop so I have been dressing in secret for years. I would dress at work, on travel, when home alone and any time I have a few hours to myself. I really want to tell her but I know if I do I cannot say that I have been dressing since the day that she told me to stop. I would start a new day with her if she would go for it. Here lately she has expressed that she prefers me to have a goatee vs a smooth face. I am not completely against it but it does hurt when I have to grow my hair out for her since I do NOT dress while I have facial hair.
Maybe one day I will tell her.
I loved reading these questions and answers and learning a little bit about the dynamics of your marriage relationship. I wish you both the best! Thanks for sharing, I found it truly inspiring and comforting.