So you’ve discovered that your husband is a crossdresser. Maybe you stumbled across their hidden cache of clothing and makeup, or after years of bottling up a secret which they thought was shameful they couldn’t take it any longer and revealed it to you. Maybe you’re scared and confused about what this means about him, and what it means about your relationship. Maybe you’re concerned that having hidden something for so long, you don’t know who he is, or maybe you’re worried that if he’s been able to hide this from you, what else could he be hiding?
It’s very easy to get carried away with these thoughts and let your imagination run wild with possibilities – but the only thing that will do is make things worse. The first thing you should do is stop and take a breath. More than likely, things aren’t as bad as you might think!
Is he gay?
Almost certainly not. The majority of crossdressers are straight. Crossdressing has no correlation with sexuality. It could be conceivable that he’s bisexual or bi-curious, but don’t forget that he married you for a reason.
Why does he do it? What does he get out of it?
This varies a lot. There are some people who do it for sexual gratification – maybe it’s just something he gets off on, and that’s the end of it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You might be ok with that, or you might not – but remember, it probably doesn’t affect how he feels about you!
For other people, dressing up can be just a way of expressing some feminine aspect of their personality. Think of it as the male equivalent of being a tomboy.
And then for others, they may internally feel like they should have been born with a female body.
Does he want to be a woman?
Possibly. This you can only find out by talking to each other. It’s certainly true that some people go from being a crossdresser to realising and accepting that they are transgender, but this is not a universal path. Just because you have discovered that your husband likes to wear women’s clothes does not mean he’s suddenly going to transition. Asking about the reasons as to why he does it will give you a much clearer idea.
[bctt tweet=”If your husband is a crossdresser, this is who they are, and who they have always been.” url=”https://www.myweekendshoes.com/2015/08/help-my-husband-is-a-crossdresser/”]
Who have I married?
It’s worth bearing in mind that if your husband is a crossdresser, this is who they are, and who they have always been. Your husband has not changed – only your opinion of him might have altered given this new information. You might feel as though you’ve been tricked into marrying someone without knowing everything about them, and I can’t even imagine what that must feel like, which is why I always encourage people to try to accept this part of their lives, and to share it with their partners.
Why didn’t he tell me this?
The reason he didn’t tell you is probably because he’s felt ashamed about it his whole life. For so many of us, we’re told that being men in our society means only doing manly things and conforming to the standard idea of what it means to be a man – certainly not acting in any way deemed feminine. Girly-men have been seen as jokes or a source of amusement. Confronted with a reality which would mock and ridicule you for being open about it, many men will hide or totally bury this part of them, causing depression and self-loathing.
How far does he want to go?
This is hard to say without asking him. It’s possible that maybe he wants to just do it indoors, or possibly go out while dressed. Some people are perfectly happy keeping it at home, and others feel like they need to be themselves not hidden away in a room somewhere.
So what next?
The best thing you can do is talk about it. Whether that’s with each-other, or with the help of a couples’ therapist, or a gender therapist if need be. If your husband doesn’t know that you’ve found out his secret, finding a way to sit him down and approach it gently would be advisable.
To those of you who are into it, or don’t mind it – that’s awesome! For him, it’ll be great to have someone to talk to about it and share all sorts of things with, and for you, you might find that you suddenly have a lot more common interests!
To those of you who find it disgusting – you may have a harder road ahead of you. It’s completely understandable if you feel this way, since this is not something you signed up for. But bear in mind that part of the reason why he’s been hiding it for so long is because he loves you, and doesn’t want to lose you, fearing how you might react.
I will say this over and over again: This is not something we chose. If I could’ve just turned it off years and years ago, I would have, because due to the way society views people like us, it’s been a difficult journey full of shame and guilt. But having a partner who loves us and accepts us as we are… that can make your marriage even stronger.
If you still have any questions, please feel free to email me at liz@myweekendshoes.com and I will be more than happy to reply to you privately and anonymously, without judgement.
These are some good questions actually and i’v been thinking about this alot. Luckily i’m not married(muhaha) also I’m not currently in a relationship at the moment but if I did find someone I think now instead of waiting until a few months or even a year down the line when we’re pretty much a Item I think now I would tell her very early on about my ways. Some woman think they get deceived or that you hid this big lie when you tell them and I think thats partly true. I don’t think its fair on your partner to do it in secret either if they don’t know about it. If they don’t like it but still wanted me then so be it. The last thing I would want to do was to shove it in peoples faces if they don’t like it. Just as long as they know I do my things and why I do them.
yeah I totally agree :) the earlier you can tell someone, the earlier you can be open about it, the better!
I told my wife years ago, before we married( 27 years this September ) and she was fine about me doing it, in private , at home, as long as she didn’t see it. This progressed by mutual consent to doing , at home when she was in with her prior consent. No wig, no make up , no boobs, just clothes. Eventually after about 15 years of this , I got the courage to go to a dressing service, and for the first time experienced the full works, and saw the woman within, and I knew I could not suppress her any longer. I told my wife, she listened and agreed to let me go and buy wigs and make up, and even go out with a TG friend I had made online, as long as she does not see Amanda, she knows I go out, she buys me clothes, she talks about it, and is happy I am happy, as long as she never meets Amanda.
Different couples will absolutely have different rhythms and feelings about crossdressing – I’m glad you found one that works for you :)
Thanks for this, it helps a lot, I am considering coming out to my girlfriend but I don’t know how she’ll react
Thank you for reading it! I hope coming out to your girlfriend goes well! I don’t think I could ever write a blog post on how to do it, because, honestly, I have no idea :/ You know her best – you’ll find the right words to say :)
Good luck! :)
There is nothing wrong with been a crossdresser, some wifes even like there husbands in a dress, and even go out with them dressd with makeup on, live and let live if you are happy thats all that counts.
Live and let live! Absolutely!
Hi my name is Karen
Ive been a married crossdresser for along time
I fell my best when I’m totally dressed as Karen
And very happy as a woman
Wife is ok with it I like her to except it more so.we can
Go.out together dressed
Very helpful
Thank you for writing this article. It helped my girlfriend to understand and cope. I would like to see a new more in depth article though with deeper details and why my girlfriend does not have to worry about me being gay.
is there a link and if so i would like to join
There isn’t really a way to join – but if you like me on facebook (https://www.facebook.com/MyWeekendShoes) you’ll be able to keep up with any posts I make! :)
You did a fab job with this piece, Liz. Bravo!
I’m one of the lucky ones. My marriage is stronger than ever. But as you mentioned, it’s certainly not for everyone.
Thank you for reading!! <3
Thank you very much for sharing this :) And hello from /r/CrossDressing.
> Why does he do it?
For me, my tagline on Reddit says it all: “Cis-male, CD for fun and comfort”.
I’ve always thought women get so many cute and awesome-looking clothes to wear and I’ve always loved wearing airy kilts during summer and hot weather. I’ve finally put two and two together, and concluded that I want to wear cute, frilly summer dresses :) Well that, and those awesome knitted sweaterdresses that are sooooo comfy during fall and winter :)
Liz,
You hit the nail on the head with this whole post,Bravo! Thanks for putting this into words,
Sometimes seeing your thoughts written out by someone else really helps. Thank you!
I also a crossdresser
I got lucky…my gf was supportive since before we got together, well not so much supportive more encouraging….she got me from the odd skirt wearing night and made me feel comfortable enough to explore into all differant clothes and shoes and taught me about make up :)
I feel truely lucky
I would like for my husband to dress up as a woman, hi my name is Sheryl Hill and I had 2 major strokes,
My husband said to me about 32 years ago that he wanted to dress as a woman I laught at him and shamed him for it just recently I heard someone talk about there son dressing as a woman and how it pulled him/Her out of depression I’ve talked to my husband Rodney and suggested he try on some of my dresses but he refused it I am so sorry I was so rude now that I’m dieing I want my husband to be happy is there any suggestions you can give please.
Hi Sheryl!
This is a tough one :/ What’s done is done. The only thing you can do is tell him how much you love him, no matter what he does, and that you’re sorry for what you said so long ago. It might be too late for him to enjoy it now, and it might be hard to pull himself out of feeling bad about it for so long. Maybe the best thing you can do is help him understand now how sorry you are, and tell people that it’s ok to be who they are
<3
Well done girl.
A very honest and useful bio
Laura x
Ran across this article and have to say, it’s good soul-searching advice for all the ladies out there.
I started at 13. I am now 39 and have been married to a beautiful woman for 8 years. I’ve been through the gamut of shame and purges. I’ve also felt the relief of first telling my wonderful immediate family (whom mostly said they knew) and then people I cared about on occasions.
I am a bisexual man who dresses for comfort, sexuality, and freedom for how I feel by representing my feminine side. I am completely comfortable with both aspects of my life.
I am not fully out because I understand that at work, and some social settings, it may make things more complicated than they need to be. But I am never afraid that if the whole world knew, it would ever be an issue that I would dread.
My wife was upset, for a brief moment, when I told her before we got married. But since then we have grown leaps and bounds. Her relationship with Bryan, and with Gineatte, is sound.
What I am trying to say to the readers is that Liz has written a fantastic synopsis on how difficult and fulfilling our lives as cd/tv/ts can be.
Never supress that fact in your life. Grab hold of what it means to you. Be respectful. And never regret that you didn’t follow “your” path.
Fantastic read Liz.
Thank you so much for your kind words!!! <3
A brilliant read!
I don’t get by here as often as I’d like to, but that is a corrective work in progress.
I was *SO* battened down that I never really realized until my early 50’s and a random FB prank with the wife that “she” had been lurking in the wings of life since a youth.
The past few years have been the oddest, most difficult, and most liberating years of my life and I’d not trade them for anything.
Quite unexpectedly (yet innocent mistake) “outed” a few years ago after FB tagging and me being the dullard that lacked a dual profile.
Took a deep breath and uttered “Here we go!” to myself as I changed my profile pic to me in a wig and a dress on my first “Lady Night Out”. Could have untagged, but I didn’t want to appear cowardly in that.
This in so many ways covers my exact story. The questions were those my wife asked and struggled with. There is hope, I never imagined my wife would be able to accept me and until my secret came out she had always taken a strong stance against this type of thing. However she discovered me and she found a way to not just deal with it but to find ways she can accept and even participate. I am very aware of my good fortune and am grateful everyday to have such a loving and compassionate partner in life. Of course knowing what I know now I wish I had came out sooner. Good luck to all and never lose hope.
Thank you so much for this information . This has been very helpful :)
my husband is too. i have except it he takes all my used bras, even has my black control slip ,and my swimdress wear them,
I sent you an email before reading this and I am very encouraged about what I have read. Thank you for helping explain something that I have been at a loss for words for decades. The need vs the want is what I have never been sure of or understood. I fight with disclosure daily and just cant seem to do it. I have been looking for a support group locally but have not had any luck. Wichita KS. Please keep up the good work
Char